Hello Cairn students, and welcome to what is without a shadow of a doubt the most important Scroll article of the 2017-2018 calendar year. Why you ask? Well to put it lightly. GALA IS THIS WEEK. The most hyped up, important event of the school year is this Friday, and yours truly is going to break it down from a fundamental standpoint so that you can impress your date, make the most out of your GALA experience, and not look like a bumbling fool in the process. So get out your notebooks, put on your thinking caps, and pay attention to Dr. Boucher, the master of all formal events.

OKAY, here we go.

First, you need to find a date to the event.  Most people will say that going alone is fine.  Which, technically it is, and if you don’t have any semblance of a romantic interest then by all means, knock yourself out.  However, most hormonal college students do, and there’s no reason for them to go alone to GALA when they don’t have to. Every year there are male and female Cairn students who go to GALA, single, when they had the option to ask somebody but couldn’t muster up the courage to do so.  Malarkey. Men, don’t make this mistake, this is the perfect opportunity to shoot your shot with the attractive girl sitting across from you in Philosophy class. GALA gives you the opportunity to show your interest, without being too forward about it. However, ask her in a private, intimate way.  Don’t be one of those idiots who asks her in public, using “Galaposal” methods which basically forces her to say yes. This isn’t a marriage proposal, this isn’t even a prom proposal. Relax. If she wants to go with you, fantastic, but don’t use a method that makes her look evil if she says no. And most importantly, don’t slide in her DM’s to ask her.  While this is convenient, and works in other scenarios, it doesn’t work here, and you will surely find rejection if you use this method. Just find that pretty girl in the Great Room, sit her down, and ask her out. Ladies, DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK A GUY. If you reach 2-3 days before GALA, and you still don’t have a date, there is absolutely no shame in asking the guy you see squatting 400 pounds in the gym if he has a date yet.  Chances are, he doesn’t, and bang, you just snatched a date. Simple as that, women can be forward to. And finally, men with girlfriends, you still have to ask your girlfriend to go to GALA with you. Simply assuming that she will tag along with you will not do, and if you do this chances are, you’ll be in for a night filled with arguments. Ask your girlfriend, she’ll appreciate that you did.

Okay, excellent, you have a date to the GALA. So what now? Next you don’t say anything stupid in the couple days leading up to the GALA. The male mind has a way of saying things that he doesn’t actually mean, so keep a low profile.  Stay in contact with your date, but don’t reveal your love for her yet. That’s an excellent way to lose a date. Take me for example, a guy who lost 2 dates in one year simply because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Your mouth can get you in trouble, so keep it shut until the night of GALA.

Congratulations, It’s Friday, April 13, just a couple hours before the start of GALA (6:00 PM) and you still have a date.  You’ve made it this far, there’s no turning back now. You’ve hit the point of no return and now it’s time to blow your date away.  Men, be in the Great Room at least an hour before your date says she will be ready. This allows you time to mentally prepare. Do some deep breathing exercises, look yourself in the mirror, and say “You are a stallion” at least 50 times before you meet your date.  Make sure you pick out an outfit she hasn’t seen you in before, so that when she lays eyes on you, she won’t want to look away. Ladies, wear the most fire dress you can find, and flip your hair as you walk out of your wing to meet your man. Chances are, your date is just happy to be going with you in the first place, but the male mind is easily manipulated, and by flipping your hair, it guarantees your date will be head over heels (no pun intended) for you the entire night.  (If possible, drive over to the Bridgemen’s Ballroom with just you and your date. Going with friends is fine, but you will have all night to spend the night with your friends. Give your date some quality time together in the ride over.)

Alright, you’ve made it to the Bridgeman’s Ballroom, and it’s time to get the night underway.  The night will start with some brief conversation, with dinner taking place midway through the evening, but this is all child’s play, and relatively unimportant in the narrative of the evening.  The prime time doesn’t begin until after dinner when the DJ starts running the 1’s and 2’s, and Cairn students start migrating to the dance floor. Oh yes, it’s dancing time. This is the make or break point of the evening, you will either blow your dates mind, or completely ruin any future chances with her in this hour of dancing (no pressure). Once the migration begins, simply reach your hand out towards your date, no verbal questions, and she will get the message and join you on the dance floor. Show your moves, use your feet, and don’t flail your upper body.  You’re not trying to win a competition, the more relaxed and composed you appear, the more impressive you will come off. More importantly, NO DIRTY DANCING. This is a sure fire way to get Tom Sherf to intrude on your evening, and will embarrass you and your date, most likely ruining the evening for the both of you. Let it be known that if you partake in dirty dancing, God will make sure to point it out during judgment, and nobody wants that. As the night comes to a close, the DJ will most likely play a slow song, which will give you the opportunity to slow dance with your date.  If you’ve made it this far, you’re in the clear, don’t screw it up now. Tell her how beautiful she looks, and make sure to leave room for the Holy Spirit. Smile, and enjoy the final 20 minutes of the evening.

Congratulations! You did it, you made it through GALA, and managed to impress your date in the process without looking like an idiot, Now, take your date back to campus, talk about how fun it was, and go make out in J Lot to close out the evening.

This has been Doctor Boucher, teaching you the in and outs of formal dances. Godspeed.