To my dearest Someone,

Is it time we finally started seeing other people?  Was it something I said, or a weird dream you had?

You know… at this point I don’t really care.  I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and you know what, I’m pretty awesome.  I have whole foundations dedicated to me! Santa owes his entire operation to my existence.  That’s right bub. You can’t live without me. Look at you over there, Mountain Dew-dilated eyes glazing over when you think of me in the crystal glow of your precious computer.  Your pretty-little research paper will only be with you for another week. Baby, I’ll be right behind you for a lifetime, and you’ll never get away.  Not if I have anything to say about it.

Oh, you’ll make it up in the afternoon?  Oh, you’ll skip chapel to make it up to me?  That’s not how this works, honeybun. You think things will ever be this good with Starbucks?  Does Starbucks bring you the consolidation of long-term memory?  I didn’t think so!  And Dunkin? Where does Dunkin get off coming around here?  Just who does Dunkin think they are? What are they even? A coffee shop?  A donut shop? A tuna croissant shop? You don’t need to deal with that. You need someone who feels safe in their own identity: wonderful, beautiful, me.

You wanna go to class, fall asleep, droll all across the handout of 14th century French poetry your professor had to walk uphill in the snow both ways to print out using Gutenberg’s original printing press?  You do realize they vote on your graduation, right? Is that the impression you wanna send?

Too harsh?

No, wait, come back, listen.  Think about all the good times we’ve had.  Sure, there’ve been some rough ones, the great pixie stix incident of 2009 and the time you snuck downstairs with your cousin to watch the Shining, but we’ll get through this, I promise.  I promise things will get better. All I’m asking is 7 hours a night. Maybe 6? Please don’t get up go, just come back to me. I need someplace to put my visions of sugarplums and you need me to function.  That’s a fair trade, right? Right? When have I ever really asked you for anything? Please just come back, we can talk about this… after your set down the megagulp and get under the covers, you aren’t explaining the three laws of planetary motion in that state.  Just come to bed already.

Love,

Sleep

P.S. If you need more reasons why to love sleep, here’s a helpful link.  Now stop reading this and get some sleep already. If you really think sleep is for the weak, a whole heckin lot of smart people disagree. There are a lot of great articles on the link. Seriously people, get some sleep.