The Polar Express is a movie that solidifies itself in the hearts and minds of all children through its whimsical environment, its heart-wrenching soundtrack, and its traumatizing motion capture animation. Let’s be honest, do people actually like this movie for the plot and characters, or do they only say they like it because they remember the one well-executed hot chocolate scene? I could only remember that and the scene with horrifying puppets in a train car, so needless to say I had to rewatch to make sure my sources were correct.

First off, Tom Hanks is EVERYONE. The Conductor? It’s Tom Hanks. That Hobo that turns to snow who you probably forgot about? Also Tom Hanks. The narrator (the boy in the blue bathrobe who we’ll call Jeffrey), and the narrator’s father? Yep, Tom Hanks. Santa Claus himself?! It’s TOM HANKS! In fact, I’ve crafted a theory that involves time travel which guesses that the Conductor is actually the narrator boy, Jefferson, but if you want to hear that chaotic rant you’ll have to find me and ask.

It is also concerning that Jethro thinks it’s perfectly fine and okay to get on a random train run by an aggressive Conductor which pulls up to his house in the middle of the night, but I guess it’s because the one time it’s okay to get into a stranger’s vehicle is on Christmas!

Joffrey joins an ensemble of other (kidnapped) kids on the train including Leader girl, Billy (the only named kid in the movie), and Know-it-all (the one they make all of the memes about). Jeremiah then proceeds to lose the Leader Girl’s train ticket in the most pointless scene in the movie, have a philosophical conversation with crazy hobo snow-ghost Tom Hanks, drink dirty sock water, and go skiing across the top of a speeding train without dying. If you’re wondering whether this is actually in the movie, yes, I assure you it is; the hot chocolate scene was only in the first fifteen minutes.

At one point they put Leader Girl in charge of the front of the train, but considering how incompetent the engineers are, it’s a step up in management. Then Jesse and the rest of the children live through the train ride that verges on child endangerment but doesn’t quite cross the line because it’s a MAGIC train, and the Conductor utters oaths such as, “What in the name of Mike” (aka a line that perfectly sums up my reactions to this movie). Then the Conductor takes Jensen and Leader Girl through the Train Car of Nightmares (the puppet one), and Billy and Leader Girl sing a pretty Christmas song that does nothing to cleanse my mind of creepy puppet Scrooge.

When the children miraculously arrive at the North Pole, what wonders greet them? Why, old brick office buildings and creepy elves with New York accents, of course! The elves welcome Santa Claus while singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” in a way that sounds like an evil chant, and Santa gives Jerry a sleigh bell—which he promptly loses. The movie has a happy ending, and who knows, perhaps Disney will recycle this lifeless motion capture film and turn it into a lifeless live-action one!

Author’s Note: Upon rewatching this movie, I cried. Although I poke fun at it in this article, this film steam-rolled its way into my heart with its genuinely loving characters, crazy wit, crummy motion capture, and sincere messages about belief and faith. I do recommend giving this a second chance or rewatch, but also understand why it’s garnered a bad reputation.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” ~Hebrews 11:1