This year, the Cairn sports teams gained a new member! Whether or not he is an asset to Cairn Athletics can be debated, but I’m pretty sure the whole student body thinks he’s a suspicious character. Where did he come from? He just shows up at Cairn thinking he can steal the show as the beloved mascot? I don’t buy it.

Rumor has it that he grew up in a family where he was the only one who looked like a Scottish cement block. Out of low self-confidence, he ran away from home and wound up at Cairn. Poor guy!

I still have many questions, though. Like, where does he go during breaks? Why is he at some sports events and not others? Does he have another job? Why is he not as present around the holidays? Apparently, during breaks, the Highlander goes off the grid– nowhere to be found. This is incredibly mysterious– so much so that one of our reporters did some sleuthing. Our reporter went into the Highlander’s office and found a list. It was not just any list, but a list of all Cairn’s students and faculty labeling them as naughty or nice! And the only professors that made it onto the nice list were the Reformed divinity professors! Guess theology does matter…

Our reporter also found a map of every student’s dorm on campus, and a list of gifts to be delivered to each dorm! The only explanation for all of these strange events can only be that the Highlander is, in fact, Santa Claus himself. Maybe we should make cookies in the Manor kitchens and hope that nobody left dirty dishes… After finals, leave some cookies out and see what happens!

(Also, no one knows what happens in the campus services building. I think that the reindeer might be hiding out there until finals are over.)

Make sure to give the Highlander your Christmas list at the next basketball game! If you catch him in secret, I’m sure he’ll put your list in that little pocket of his. If you think you’re on the naughty list, you might want to stay away, though. After all, he carries a Claymore.

Well, folks, looks like we don’t know the Highlander as much as we thought. Does he have a family? Does he have kids? Is he Thanos’ brother? The world may never know! You better watch out, because if the Highlander really is Santa, he knows when you are sleeping and he knows when you’re awake, so don’t hang out in the great room after 1:00 am or else it will be too late!

We might have been merely a glimpse of the Highlander’s true identity this semester. If our theories are correct, then he’s truly embracing the Cairn way this year by walking many different paths.