Dear Students, the Scroll in recent days has devoted a great deal of its time to opinion pieces and event reporting rather than reporting on campus updates and policy changes.  Hopefully this helpful guide for April will become a staple in the paper for your convenience!

Firstly, it is my sad duty to report that the Gala has been cancelled by Student Life in lieu of the newly announced “Freshman Beef and Beer Mixer” to be held in the Commuter Lounge on the 13th.  When asked for the reason behind the scheduling change, administration responded to the Scroll by saying that the campus dating scene had grown “too mature” and “dull”. Another student life employee noted that rings seem to be in short supply as the spring deepens.  “We have a reputation to live up to!” a student who asked to remain anonymous declared. “I’ve been here for almost a year and I have not wed, I have no partner to birth my children! Shall I grow old alone? I should have gone to Lancaster Bible College.”

Speaking of Mordor– I mean LBC, we unfortunately will no longer be playing them in sports, as we, along with the Sunnydale Senior Learning Center of Glenside, the staff of our local Jimmy John’s franchise, and several church Sunday School classes, will be joining the newly created NCAA Division V after an NCAA representative watched a recent women’s volleyball game.  We are contractually obligated to ask no one to make any jokes, memes, or non-fawning reference to this specific sports team’s glorious victories…. If there were any…

On a lighter note, the Cairn Cannabis Club has formally announced that all their meetings will now be held exclusively in the men’s restroom outside BL235 after much confusion.  Several scheduling snafus have led to club meetings taking place on the skywalk, parking lot J, and in every other bathroom on campus. Hopefully this formal announcement will clarify and avoid any more logistical confusion and accidental hotboxing of non-club members attempting to use the facilities as intended.

For those of you who need the internet, have no fear!  Tech Services has announced that the old wi-fi system will be abandoned in favor of a campus-wide dial-up network which will supposedly double internet speeds and drastically reduce download times.  Many students have announced their excitement at the dawn of a new era. “I will actually have a syllabus at the start of the year!” a random student yelled upon hearing the joyous tidings. “Even though less than three seventeenths of the class cares enough to look at them ahead of time like we’re supposed to!”

The addition of a bank to the Commuter Lounge has come as a great boon to potentially tens of commuters and created such a buzz that administration has elected to replace the Music Building with a Wawa.  When music majors asked where they were supposed to rehearse and attend class, they were told, “Well, there’s always the library basement, and we’ll probably have some room for you guys in that new, totally necessary, outdoor sports arena….”  When several music majors announced that this decision was unfair and unnecessary, they were overwhelmed by the rest of the student body whose desire for inexpensive, non-cafeteria food options overwhelmed every logical bone in their bodies, leading neatly into the next update: in a shocking personnel decision, internationally renowned chef and restaurateur Gordon Ramsay has been placed in charge of cafeteria food preparation. Students rejoice before realizing that we are all a collective idiot sandwich.   

I am pleased to report that Cairn has re-acquired the Penndel apartments.  “Sketchy, decrepit apartments are precisely the housing solution we need, plus a huge morale booster!” a gleeful Student Life employee stated, reading from a thick press release.  “We have also decided that co-ed freshman housing will be the ideal status for these national treasures once again returned to their former glory. We’ve already done a soft launch of this policy in Heritage to unimpeachable success.”  This decree was met with polite applause by many, and raucous cheers from upperclassmen who actually remember when the sacred and storied earth of Penndel was still within our vast domain. “There were many dark days for the kingdom, many dark days indeed, but they are no more!  Now where is my bride?” pondered the same student who applauded the annunciation of the Beef and Beer Mixer.

In alarming campus news, the search continues for a Cairn van swallowed by a particularly robust pothole on Fairview Avenue by the back campus entrance.  Rescuers have detailed that the hole appears to be “immeasurably deep,” consisting of nine distinct levels which bear “alarming resemblances” to various aspects of Dante Alighieri’s famed Inferno.  A prayer vigil was held in support of those missing. The rally was carrying on peacefully, with light refreshments and the singing of classic rousing choruses, such as “Wonderful, Wonderful Dispensationalism” and “Burn in Hades, Ye Arminian Heretics” until a brawl broke out between two groups of students over the nature of foreknowledge in Romans.  Security is withholding details as of current.

Finally, I am pleased to report that after seven long, mistaken years as Cairn University, administration has elected to change the university name to Carin Bible College.  “It’s about time they spelt it like we’ve all been calling in… goldang communists spelling things with silent letters and whatnot,” an aged donor said, eyes welling with tears at the announcement of what has been termed a “name correction”.  The old donor continued: “It does my old heart proud to see the Bible back where it belongs in the name. You know it ain’t godly if it don’t have the word Bible in it. Philadelphia College of the Bible? Solid name. Good school. Cairn University?  Playground of the Devil, no doubt about it. Now that all you young people have a good name we can set about getting rid of that infernal dancing… Wait, since when can women wear pants…?” The gentleman then wandered away talking to himself about the merits of floor-length skirts and gave no further comment.

Hopefully this article has illuminated any campus updates you weren’t aware of this month and will further your student experience in the future.  Happy April First!