There’s a picture I don’t look at

Each time it shows in my camera roll

I skip past it quickly, hoping my mind doesn’t see.

It always does.

Two girls in white graduation gowns smile back through the screen

The first girl is confident, practiced, her leg sticks behind her artfully,

The second is embarrassed and happy, both feet on the gym floor.

There’s a picture I don’t look at anymore

In the midst of a chaotic, freeing, aching day–

“Old friends have one more picture together”

A reminder of a foundation long ago built

An illusion of permanence

A text. No reply for two weeks. Suddenly,

“How are you??” “I’m alright! Glad to hear from you! What’s up?”

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

She cried the first time she saw me since graduation. I saw her first, though.

She was not the first who shed tears that night, though she will never know

She gripped my hand for a solid five minutes as we talked about life.

I thought of the photo.

The night fades with newfound hope

Only to again grow silent.

I don’t think the word rejected

I think the word busy.

A year goes by since that meeting; months hurry after.

Memories invade me at night,

They torture me,

Remind me of a time when I had a sister

A friend for life, she said

Someone I love, she said.

I don’t think lied to

I think forgotten

The memories shift sideways

All the times I failed

All the times I wanted to talk but couldn’t remember now

All the times her new friend group flounced.

I don’t think love

I think loved

I didn’t used to think there was a difference

Either you loved someone for life or you didn’t love them at all

But now I know the truth.

I write 2 letters

First one: I know why you drifted on. But please, can we be friends again? You don’t know what it’s been like for me to live without you

I never send it

FearHateFearHateRejectedRejectedRejected

Bitterness engulfs my island

I am carried off to sea

I stop thinking.

Night shadows haunt me,

Memories of another life

Like arrows shot by an expert marksman

Whisk me in the chest and leave me breathless

I continue my drowning routine

Meanwhile, they all tell me to move on,

“she’s cut her losses,

Time to cut yours”

I pent up the waters,

Build a tower far away

Yet shadows are mere echoes of light

They see my weakness

And choke my throat with tears unshed

There is a picture I don’t look at anymore

For though the first girl seems happy,

She is hollow

She gave up on this friendship long ago,

What remains soothes hard feelings.

But even as I write this I know it’s not true

I could blame her, gouge her from my heart for it,

But the truth is she was just like me

Making her way through.

Maybe she thought something of the picture

Maybe she thought it was empty, a promise already broken

Nevertheless, I write the second letter.

I no longer think desperation

I think forgiveness

Nights still come, and her red-burned eyes still haunt me,

But I forgive her

She’ll never know this ache, this dagger I’ve finally removed from my heart,

A wound she left behind

And even if she did, she might not even care

But Sister, I forgive you. I used to think in order to forgive you have to understand the reason for the wrong

But the unanswered whys still pounce on me from corners,

I still can’t reply to their call, because I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know

But I do know,

That God, Sister, I forgive you

Not of my own strength, not by a longshot,

But you are forgiven for the carnage you unwittingly left behind.

Because how much pain have I left in my wake?

How many have I left behind, forgetting my own forgiven state?

I don’t need you, my dear; That doesn’t mean I never did.

But the Lord is my fulfillment always

And the Almighty provides us both with blessings.

I won’t say love. But I will say forgiven.

Goodbye, old friend.